Do you have friends who don't have kids? Although I try to include these folks in our family moments, it turns out that somehow you have to choose - you can either be with your BK "Before Kid" friends or your AK "After Kid" friends. I'm 35 - my friends who don't have children are still really invested in behaviors that don't work well with kids - staying up late, drinking beers, dropping "f" bombs, feisty banter. I'm just not that into that stuff anymore. I like sweet, tender, beautiful, innocent moments with my little boy. Sure I can have some wine, play some Just Dance, and act silly - but my college days are done and over. As my bestie, Katie, says "what happened in the 20's, stays in the 20's."
I have one BK friend in particular, we'll call him "B." I have realized that where B is headed isn't compatible with where I'm headed and I have decided that for now, our relationship lives only in the past. I feel like in my younger days, I enjoyed watching him because his brand of "free" is so incredibly out there - he has a world view all his own. It can be fun to listen to his crazy ideas and adventures. But B's the type that frustrates me because he gets to drinking and just doesn't think of what is coming out of his mouth. He shares information about other people that might be embarrassing or humiliating, he starts to talk about topics that make people uncomfortable. He says what ever he wants to say, even is a child is right in front of him. Once when my son was about 2, he pushed B a little when they were playing and B pushed him right back and he fell on the ground. He's just not a "kid person."
When I was pregnant with my son, B's old roommate got married. It was an opportunity for all of us to visit with old friends and it was a really fun and exciting gathering. A dear friend of ours, M, had just made the brave decision to get sober and had joined AA. M's life was really turning around - he had a gorgeous new love (to whom he is now married) and he was actually very happy. B gave M a very hard time for joining AA and deciding to get sober. B said he was weak and ridiculed his choice to use God to help him through the process. I was and continue to be absolutely shocked and disappointed by this reaction. After witnessing B behave this way and watching how he treated our friend, I just felt frustrated and angry. I lost patience. I was fractured. Our relationship was fractured. From this moment, I can honestly say that this behavior, coupled with the change in my life that was my impending motherhood led me to lack the restraint to meet B with kindness. I just don't believe drunkenness and substance abuse are worth fighting for.
What follows is several years of choices between B and I. My choices to say how I felt about his drinking and his behaviors - sometimes without the decorum of saying these things to him in private. I made my feelings known and took no prisoners. All the while, I knew deep inside of myself that I was behaving in a harsh way. I suppose I thought that some how my message would get through. That drinking doesn't make you who you are, that being drunk isn't fun and it isn't healthy - especially not if you are drunk every day. But after 5 years, no message was getting through ... broken telephone... crickets.
I did invite B and his girlfriend to our house for holidays, birthdays and parties. Most of which he did not attend due to his "not believing in holidays and birthdays" and lack of desire to make the drive (and most likely the lack of desire to hear my opinions). I must say, I didn't want my son to be around him much and the fact that I was 98% sure he wouldn't make it over for the given event made it easier to invite him. He drinks, smokes and swears constantly - he is in an adult world that my sweet son is not ready for. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I carry baggage into any
relationship I have wherein I just don't like people who drink a lot. I
don't like to be around it and I have chosen to raise my son far away
from my dad. Why would I bring myself so far away only to enter into
more relationships with alcoholics? I choose not to. I choose that for
me. And I choose that for my son.
Nonetheless, it recently became clear to me that B is very angry at me for losing patience with him and for choosing not to have my son around him. He began to make these wild accusations at me - my wedding ring is full of "blood diamonds," "my job is negative because I work with the US government and they are war-mongers," "I am sheltering my son and in doing so I am doing him a grave dis-service," "I'm trying to control his behavior," and "using swear words is a viable and purposeful form of communication;" to name a few of his arguments. I do know that I could have been more kind in my interactions with him. There have been moments where I was rude to him in front of others, where I have snapped at him. It is never ok to be unkind and for that I am actually very sorry. I cannot change the past, but it has been a great lesson to always be kind to others. (It has actually led me to rethink a few things I have said to other friends of mine and I have called them and apologized for things that I have said that may have been hurtfull.) I apologized to B for this pattern of reaction and behavior. Because what kind of example am I being if I am behaving this way? But what is important for me to note is that I don't remove the intent or the feelings, just that the delivery could have used some work.
However, it does not change the fact that I choose not to spend time with B. Life is too short. My time with my son is too short. I reserve the right to have a beautiful life.
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