So, I don't have any work right now. My work is contract based and I finished a huge month long project right before the school year began. I have a few weeks until something comes my way and it's something I really love about what I do. While my company grows, my work is less constant and it enables me to be a stay at home mom for a few weeks, followed by about a month as a workaholic crazy lady working night and day until the project is done - and on and on it goes. Someday, I will have consistent work and a few interns and my schedule will be more "normal;" at least that's the plan. For now, I couldn't be more pleased.
My life as a stay at home goes something like this: After drop off, I head to the gym. Once there, I kill it. I work out like crazy for an hour or so and lift weights. I'm trying to shed some pounds and get closer to my goal to look like a "Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Mom." However, I work out so hard that I am exhausted for the rest of the day - DEAD. And hungry. So, I usually sit around and eat some snacks, a delicious lunch, after school snacks, a delicious dinner, after dinner snacks. It's how I roll. A Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Mom I am not. I am a curvy, albeit strong, average sized woman with cellulite and some pudge. I need to figure out a new plan and have some damn restraint!
My friend Katie tells me I need to learn to love myself "as is." Easy to say, hard to do, right?! But so, so true. If I spent less time cataloging my foods in my food diary, obsessing over the scale, performing marathon work outs - maybe I'd be able to drop a few pounds, maybe I'd be able to enjoy myself a little more. I read a lot of Us Magazine. It seems like celebrities often say they try not to obsess over their diets, because that usually makes them gain weight instead of losing it. I'm going to take a page from that book. Sayonara Calorie Count, Au Revoir Scale, Peace Out Marathon Work Out Sesh. I'm going to tone it down a bit and see what happens. Instead of trying to be a Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Mom, I am endeavoring to look good in jeans without a long top. I'm starting with the muffin top and then I'll see what else I can accomplish. That is until another project comes my way and the only thing that gets exercised is my brain, my patience and my fingers from typing.
I'll keep you updated. :)
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Changing Faces of Friendships - Out with the Old....
Do you have friends who don't have kids? Although I try to include these folks in our family moments, it turns out that somehow you have to choose - you can either be with your BK "Before Kid" friends or your AK "After Kid" friends. I'm 35 - my friends who don't have children are still really invested in behaviors that don't work well with kids - staying up late, drinking beers, dropping "f" bombs, feisty banter. I'm just not that into that stuff anymore. I like sweet, tender, beautiful, innocent moments with my little boy. Sure I can have some wine, play some Just Dance, and act silly - but my college days are done and over. As my bestie, Katie, says "what happened in the 20's, stays in the 20's."
I have one BK friend in particular, we'll call him "B." I have realized that where B is headed isn't compatible with where I'm headed and I have decided that for now, our relationship lives only in the past. I feel like in my younger days, I enjoyed watching him because his brand of "free" is so incredibly out there - he has a world view all his own. It can be fun to listen to his crazy ideas and adventures. But B's the type that frustrates me because he gets to drinking and just doesn't think of what is coming out of his mouth. He shares information about other people that might be embarrassing or humiliating, he starts to talk about topics that make people uncomfortable. He says what ever he wants to say, even is a child is right in front of him. Once when my son was about 2, he pushed B a little when they were playing and B pushed him right back and he fell on the ground. He's just not a "kid person."
When I was pregnant with my son, B's old roommate got married. It was an opportunity for all of us to visit with old friends and it was a really fun and exciting gathering. A dear friend of ours, M, had just made the brave decision to get sober and had joined AA. M's life was really turning around - he had a gorgeous new love (to whom he is now married) and he was actually very happy. B gave M a very hard time for joining AA and deciding to get sober. B said he was weak and ridiculed his choice to use God to help him through the process. I was and continue to be absolutely shocked and disappointed by this reaction. After witnessing B behave this way and watching how he treated our friend, I just felt frustrated and angry. I lost patience. I was fractured. Our relationship was fractured. From this moment, I can honestly say that this behavior, coupled with the change in my life that was my impending motherhood led me to lack the restraint to meet B with kindness. I just don't believe drunkenness and substance abuse are worth fighting for.
What follows is several years of choices between B and I. My choices to say how I felt about his drinking and his behaviors - sometimes without the decorum of saying these things to him in private. I made my feelings known and took no prisoners. All the while, I knew deep inside of myself that I was behaving in a harsh way. I suppose I thought that some how my message would get through. That drinking doesn't make you who you are, that being drunk isn't fun and it isn't healthy - especially not if you are drunk every day. But after 5 years, no message was getting through ... broken telephone... crickets.
I did invite B and his girlfriend to our house for holidays, birthdays and parties. Most of which he did not attend due to his "not believing in holidays and birthdays" and lack of desire to make the drive (and most likely the lack of desire to hear my opinions). I must say, I didn't want my son to be around him much and the fact that I was 98% sure he wouldn't make it over for the given event made it easier to invite him. He drinks, smokes and swears constantly - he is in an adult world that my sweet son is not ready for. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I carry baggage into any relationship I have wherein I just don't like people who drink a lot. I don't like to be around it and I have chosen to raise my son far away from my dad. Why would I bring myself so far away only to enter into more relationships with alcoholics? I choose not to. I choose that for me. And I choose that for my son.
Nonetheless, it recently became clear to me that B is very angry at me for losing patience with him and for choosing not to have my son around him. He began to make these wild accusations at me - my wedding ring is full of "blood diamonds," "my job is negative because I work with the US government and they are war-mongers," "I am sheltering my son and in doing so I am doing him a grave dis-service," "I'm trying to control his behavior," and "using swear words is a viable and purposeful form of communication;" to name a few of his arguments. I do know that I could have been more kind in my interactions with him. There have been moments where I was rude to him in front of others, where I have snapped at him. It is never ok to be unkind and for that I am actually very sorry. I cannot change the past, but it has been a great lesson to always be kind to others. (It has actually led me to rethink a few things I have said to other friends of mine and I have called them and apologized for things that I have said that may have been hurtfull.) I apologized to B for this pattern of reaction and behavior. Because what kind of example am I being if I am behaving this way? But what is important for me to note is that I don't remove the intent or the feelings, just that the delivery could have used some work.
However, it does not change the fact that I choose not to spend time with B. Life is too short. My time with my son is too short. I reserve the right to have a beautiful life.
I have one BK friend in particular, we'll call him "B." I have realized that where B is headed isn't compatible with where I'm headed and I have decided that for now, our relationship lives only in the past. I feel like in my younger days, I enjoyed watching him because his brand of "free" is so incredibly out there - he has a world view all his own. It can be fun to listen to his crazy ideas and adventures. But B's the type that frustrates me because he gets to drinking and just doesn't think of what is coming out of his mouth. He shares information about other people that might be embarrassing or humiliating, he starts to talk about topics that make people uncomfortable. He says what ever he wants to say, even is a child is right in front of him. Once when my son was about 2, he pushed B a little when they were playing and B pushed him right back and he fell on the ground. He's just not a "kid person."
When I was pregnant with my son, B's old roommate got married. It was an opportunity for all of us to visit with old friends and it was a really fun and exciting gathering. A dear friend of ours, M, had just made the brave decision to get sober and had joined AA. M's life was really turning around - he had a gorgeous new love (to whom he is now married) and he was actually very happy. B gave M a very hard time for joining AA and deciding to get sober. B said he was weak and ridiculed his choice to use God to help him through the process. I was and continue to be absolutely shocked and disappointed by this reaction. After witnessing B behave this way and watching how he treated our friend, I just felt frustrated and angry. I lost patience. I was fractured. Our relationship was fractured. From this moment, I can honestly say that this behavior, coupled with the change in my life that was my impending motherhood led me to lack the restraint to meet B with kindness. I just don't believe drunkenness and substance abuse are worth fighting for.
What follows is several years of choices between B and I. My choices to say how I felt about his drinking and his behaviors - sometimes without the decorum of saying these things to him in private. I made my feelings known and took no prisoners. All the while, I knew deep inside of myself that I was behaving in a harsh way. I suppose I thought that some how my message would get through. That drinking doesn't make you who you are, that being drunk isn't fun and it isn't healthy - especially not if you are drunk every day. But after 5 years, no message was getting through ... broken telephone... crickets.
I did invite B and his girlfriend to our house for holidays, birthdays and parties. Most of which he did not attend due to his "not believing in holidays and birthdays" and lack of desire to make the drive (and most likely the lack of desire to hear my opinions). I must say, I didn't want my son to be around him much and the fact that I was 98% sure he wouldn't make it over for the given event made it easier to invite him. He drinks, smokes and swears constantly - he is in an adult world that my sweet son is not ready for. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I carry baggage into any relationship I have wherein I just don't like people who drink a lot. I don't like to be around it and I have chosen to raise my son far away from my dad. Why would I bring myself so far away only to enter into more relationships with alcoholics? I choose not to. I choose that for me. And I choose that for my son.
Nonetheless, it recently became clear to me that B is very angry at me for losing patience with him and for choosing not to have my son around him. He began to make these wild accusations at me - my wedding ring is full of "blood diamonds," "my job is negative because I work with the US government and they are war-mongers," "I am sheltering my son and in doing so I am doing him a grave dis-service," "I'm trying to control his behavior," and "using swear words is a viable and purposeful form of communication;" to name a few of his arguments. I do know that I could have been more kind in my interactions with him. There have been moments where I was rude to him in front of others, where I have snapped at him. It is never ok to be unkind and for that I am actually very sorry. I cannot change the past, but it has been a great lesson to always be kind to others. (It has actually led me to rethink a few things I have said to other friends of mine and I have called them and apologized for things that I have said that may have been hurtfull.) I apologized to B for this pattern of reaction and behavior. Because what kind of example am I being if I am behaving this way? But what is important for me to note is that I don't remove the intent or the feelings, just that the delivery could have used some work.
However, it does not change the fact that I choose not to spend time with B. Life is too short. My time with my son is too short. I reserve the right to have a beautiful life.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Private School
When my son was just a wee babe, I made the decision that I wanted him to go to private school. I'm from the East Coast and I have witnessed first hand that a private school education gives a kid more options. I want my son to be able to be whatever he wants to be, to study whatever he wants to study, and have the ability to get into whatever school he wants to get into and hopefully, attain an academic scholarship. We live in Oregon and I have seen the schools just sink lower and lower every year - it has been alarming and sad. Loss of extracurricular programs, gym, art, languages, quality teachers... Even moms who are teachers are pulling their kids out of public schools and placing them in charter, montessori, waldorf, or private schools.
After a lot of research, I made the decision that Montessori Preschool could provide him with critical building blocks for literacy, math and social skills because of the materials and philosophy of Montessori. I believed that with a strong foundation, he'd be better equipped to excel in Elementary School. So, I enrolled him in a local Montessori program at 3 yrs old. He seemed to do pretty well in Montessori, though he did face some bullying issues and I never felt his teacher really connected with him. Nonetheless, he had the opportunity to experience some wonderful materials and make his first real friends.
In the midst of his second year in Montessori, many parents with children at the same level were pondering the next step - take their child out and have them miss the critical 3rd year of Montessori for a public or charter school kindergarten program or leave the child in Montessori to finish the foundation years (the 3rd year would be equivalent to a Kindergarten year). I had imagined for my son to continue with the Montessori program, go to public school for a few years and apply for our local private school in 4th or 5th grade in hopes of attaining a full ride academic scholarship.
But then, I began to rethink my plan...I wondered how he would do joining our local country school in the first grade. Would it provide enough stimulus for him to eventually be able to attain an academic scholarship? How would he like school as one of 35 kids in a class? Would he fall between the cracks? I wondered if maybe he should stay in Montessori until he was ready to earn a private school scholarship.
With all of these questions floating in my head, the school system in the next largest city opened up "out of district transfers" for charter schools and some of the regular public schools. I decided to put our names in the lottery and see what happened.
In the meantime, I started to see more problems at our Montessori school. The guides didn't have a particular connection to my son, he was facing more issues with another child in the class who was acting aggressively to him and I began to wonder if the Montessori really was a good fit. Suffice to say, my commitment to the Montessori program began to dwindle. Eventually, I decided to apply for financial assistance at the local private school for Kindergarten as well. After all, it was better odds to apply for one of the 12 Kindergarten spots than to apply for one or two open 1st, 2nd, 5th or whatever grade spots . All of the sudden I realized that if I could attain some financial assistance, the private school tuition could be comparable to what I'd pay if I just stayed at our Montessori (wherein a child can stay until about 5th grade age), perhaps even less. We filled out the paper work and did the tour and I was sold. The academic program at the private school far surpasses any public or charter school and our Montessori. AND they have art, PE, music, public speaking, 3 languages, 72 acres, bee keeping, a garden, organic hot lunches... it is every parent's dream.
By some act of divinity, we got in with a good financial grant from the school. My in-laws offered a solid donation to our tuition, and there was suddenly no other choice.
My son began Kindergarten at a wonderful private school on September 5th and we couldn't be more pleased! He is really thriving at school and he's being recognized for his successes! He has learned something new every day - and he is excited to wake up and go to school. Life is good.
After a lot of research, I made the decision that Montessori Preschool could provide him with critical building blocks for literacy, math and social skills because of the materials and philosophy of Montessori. I believed that with a strong foundation, he'd be better equipped to excel in Elementary School. So, I enrolled him in a local Montessori program at 3 yrs old. He seemed to do pretty well in Montessori, though he did face some bullying issues and I never felt his teacher really connected with him. Nonetheless, he had the opportunity to experience some wonderful materials and make his first real friends.
In the midst of his second year in Montessori, many parents with children at the same level were pondering the next step - take their child out and have them miss the critical 3rd year of Montessori for a public or charter school kindergarten program or leave the child in Montessori to finish the foundation years (the 3rd year would be equivalent to a Kindergarten year). I had imagined for my son to continue with the Montessori program, go to public school for a few years and apply for our local private school in 4th or 5th grade in hopes of attaining a full ride academic scholarship.
But then, I began to rethink my plan...I wondered how he would do joining our local country school in the first grade. Would it provide enough stimulus for him to eventually be able to attain an academic scholarship? How would he like school as one of 35 kids in a class? Would he fall between the cracks? I wondered if maybe he should stay in Montessori until he was ready to earn a private school scholarship.
With all of these questions floating in my head, the school system in the next largest city opened up "out of district transfers" for charter schools and some of the regular public schools. I decided to put our names in the lottery and see what happened.
In the meantime, I started to see more problems at our Montessori school. The guides didn't have a particular connection to my son, he was facing more issues with another child in the class who was acting aggressively to him and I began to wonder if the Montessori really was a good fit. Suffice to say, my commitment to the Montessori program began to dwindle. Eventually, I decided to apply for financial assistance at the local private school for Kindergarten as well. After all, it was better odds to apply for one of the 12 Kindergarten spots than to apply for one or two open 1st, 2nd, 5th or whatever grade spots . All of the sudden I realized that if I could attain some financial assistance, the private school tuition could be comparable to what I'd pay if I just stayed at our Montessori (wherein a child can stay until about 5th grade age), perhaps even less. We filled out the paper work and did the tour and I was sold. The academic program at the private school far surpasses any public or charter school and our Montessori. AND they have art, PE, music, public speaking, 3 languages, 72 acres, bee keeping, a garden, organic hot lunches... it is every parent's dream.
By some act of divinity, we got in with a good financial grant from the school. My in-laws offered a solid donation to our tuition, and there was suddenly no other choice.
My son began Kindergarten at a wonderful private school on September 5th and we couldn't be more pleased! He is really thriving at school and he's being recognized for his successes! He has learned something new every day - and he is excited to wake up and go to school. Life is good.
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